Please don't argue... put your children first

For separated families, or parents thinking about divorce, the school holidays can bring unwelcome stress and conflict, but now is the time to think about your children and how it's affecting them. Lucy Long, from Harrison Clark solicitors, talks about your responsibility as a parent and the processes in place to help families that are unable to reach an agreement:

"It is far too easy to get wrapped up in the stresses and strains of a relationship breakdown and not put your children first. Your children are the primary concern of the courts and should be for both parents.

"The first thing to remember of course is that parents need to work together and cooperate, if at all possible, outside of the courts. Children love and need both their parents and don't need to be involved in adult agendas surrounding the breakdown, which can cause a child a great deal of anxiety. The children shouldn't be allowed to believe that they have to choose between either parent, but should be re-assured as to how much each parent still loves and cares for them."

Here are a few pointers on the legalities around children for anyone going through a separation:
 

• If parents are married at the date of birth, both parents have parental responsibility. Mothers' gain parental responsibility automatically, a father's parental responsibility is not automatic if he is not married to the child's mother at the date of birth but can be acquired either by agreement or court order. Joint parental responsibility means that effectively, both parents make decisions on behalf of their children in relation to schooling, religion, medical treatment etc.
  
  
• The court's will be reluctant not to grant parental responsibility of a child to a father if he doesn't already have it, or remove it from either parent, unless there is a significant risk to the child.
  
  
• If court action does become necessary, because the parties are unable to reach agreement, there are several remedies available to the court to assist the parents in resolving the dispute:
  
  

  -  The first is a ‘Residence Order' which instructs with whom the child is to live with at any particular time. However, this should not be misconceived as "custody" which many people use in place of the terms "residence". This is not the case and simply relates to whom the child lives with.
  
  

  -  The second is ‘Contact', the court can order that either party has contact with the child/children and will define the specific times which that person spends with the children, including week day/weekend and holiday periods.
  
  

  -  In addition, the court has two orders available to prohibit certain action involving a child. For example, removing the child from the jurisdiction or changing a child's schooling, or to assist the parties for a specific issue involving the parental responsibility of a child.
  
  

• CAFCASS (Children's and Family Court Advisory and Support Service) are available to assist the court in reaching their conclusions and reporting to the court about various matters surrounding the children. For example, speaking to them and ascertaining their wishes and feelings, if appropriate.
  
  
• The court's are reluctant to become involved in children matters and will continue to encourage the parties to negotiate between themselves, and follow what is called the "no order principal" whereby if the parties are in agreement, no order is necessary.
  
  

"It is important that both parents place the needs of their children before their own and try to remain amicable, or at the very least civil so they can maintain communication going forward. Parents need to remember that they will need to communicate with the other parent for a significant period of time in the future and attend family events and occasions possibly including their child's wedding. As legal advisors we encourage communication, and are reluctant to involve the court which often only causes further anxiety in already difficult circumstances."